That Abrasive Lady is Here Again
Happy back to school! I hope that you are enjoying your first weeks back at school and aren’t falling asleep every day on the couch as soon as you walk in the door. I’ve heard it said hundreds of times that there is no tired like first weeks of school tired, and that is no joke. So maybe it was my fatigue or my overload on news stories about the women running for president, but recently I came across an article that made me both sadder and more exhausted. What was it about, you ask?
The answer, unsurprisingly, was the idea of likability in women. As a woman who is direct and assertive, the idea of likability is something that I’ve definitely spoken about and been spoken to about before. I’ve been asked to be softer, to be sure not to cross my arms in any meeting, and to make sure that my shoes and clothes are not too “severe”. I know that I am not the only one who has experienced this. Just this school year, only a few weeks ago, a dear friend of mine was told by one of her superiors that she was just being a “pushy woman” when she suggested a way to solve a building problem she is experiencing. Another was reminded that women who bring complaints aren’t as likely to “catch any honey” and maybe she should just try being a happier person. Catch any honey?! Try being happier? How about fixing a problem, making the workplace better, and just generally being respected and valued as professionals. I’m reminded of one of my favorite comedians, Iliza Shlesinger, who points out that so many women, so many times throughout their lives, get the message, “men don’t like a lippy woman, so zip it, honey.”
The article that I link to above includes a number of articles that discuss all of the things that women do at work to be seen as more likable and less abrasive (a term I have blogged about before here and here, for starters). Here is a non-exhaustive list:
Smile when asking for raises, since it has been proven to make women appear less aggressive.
Use exclamation points in their emails so as to avoid seeming too brusque.
Bringing in coffee or acting like the office “go to” mom, so that they can be seen as nurturing even when they have to be stern.
We’ve written a lot in our blogs about breaking these cycles. We’ve written about getting rid of terms like abrasive and pushy. We’ve written about visualizing women as leaders, without focusing on whether they will be “liked” in their leadership roles. After all, aren’t we more concerned that they actual lead effectively?
I can picture some of you, well-intentioned but exhausted, sitting there thinking, But Amy, I’m already doing so many things. And I know women leaders. Aren’t I doing enough? The answer is complicated. Yes, if you are engaging in the work, then you are doing something. Something important, something that will make things better. But ask yourself this: have you entertained questions about the “electability” or “likability” of female candidates or leaders? Have you sat quietly by while someone stated that they wouldn’t have a beer with Elizabeth Warren or they didn’t think that they would want to go to a barbecue with Kamala Harris? Have you heard a colleague say that, though they think there should be more male administrators, the truth is that women just aren’t interested in those roles? If so, then I ask you, as I ask myself each time I find myself in one of these situations, to say something. Because, as the wonderful Rabbi Tarfon quote says, “It is not your responsibility to finish the work, but neither are you free to desist from it.” And so, until next time, dear reader, we will persist. Abrasively, if necessary.
- Amy