What To Do If You or Someone You Love is Using Coded Sexist Language
As we move forward in the presidential election cycle, we are once again deluged with a flood of articles analyzing the race. We have many women running from across the country and that is phenomenal! Special shoutout to one of my former students who was just elected as the youngest Councilor-at-Large of her hometown! So, as we wade through this coverage, we are going to see lots of analytic pieces that are, let’s face it, filled with gender-coded language meant to cut women down. We will see it on the news, read it in print, and hear our beloved family members say it over turkey and stuffing in a few weeks. What do we do then when confronted by this? Well, I’ve got a plan for that.
Use social media sensibly.
If you are like me, you probably read something that makes you grit your teeth, like this article about whether Democrats are worried that Elizabeth Warren isn’t likable. You may immediately want to take to Twitter and Facebook and rage tweet about how this is stupid media coverage and it doesn’t matter if someone is likable. I’m going to give you the same advice I give myself. Take a breath. Take a walk. Think more about what is upsetting you and how best to respond to it. Then you can tweet. Firing off a tweet in the moment may feel good, but coming off as furious isn’t going to win the day. Be clear, fight back, but avoid profanity, name-calling, and digitally throwing mud at people, especially family members, on social media. No one is winning the hearts and minds of others on Twitter. I promise.
Have concrete examples of language that is coded and language that is not.
A common refrain that we hear time and time again is, “Man, you can’t say anything anymore without someone complaining about it.” If you are dealing with someone who says things like this, perhaps while passing them the cranberry sauce or mashed potatoes, remember that throwing food at them will not get them to see if your way. Recently there have been many tweets about practicing kindness, no matter what, and, while I have some problems with this idea around gaslighting in certain situations, I do think that it is best to practice grace and charity with your family and friends. But that doesn’t mean you should skip the conversation. It is best to be prepared with some words that you find are applied more or more harshly to women than to men and use those as your concrete examples. This could be as simple as, “I’ve noticed that there have been a number of articles discussing whether [insert lady candidate name] is friendly or likable and I wonder why [insert man candidate name] isn’t getting that same kind of coverage. What are your thoughts about that?” Try to keep the snark out of your voice, even if that requires clutching your napkin very tightly under the table. As my dear father often says, “Amy, people rarely respond well to mockery” and the path to winning hearts and minds will be an easier one if the person does not feel that you are making fun of them. Instead, offer them options for things that they could say instead or ways that they could discuss candidates that don’t hinge on terms that are largely associated with only one gender.
Check yourself for gendered speaking and writing.
It is easy for us all to get in the righteous-mobile and drive ourselves all the way to the “I’m Always Right” store, before we realize that, oops, we also sometimes do this. I’m going to be the first to admit that it took me a while to break myself of the habit of getting my students attention by saying “Alright, guys, settle down”. One of the best ways to increase the prevalence of gender-inclusive language and to shut down sexist language in others is to model gender-inclusive language in your speaking and writing. Here is a great resource to help with your writing. In conversation, when you hear people say something that you find sexist, here are some great resources for what you can say. Remember that sometimes, depending on the situations, these conversations must happen after the fact, when people are not at risk of embarrassment and when cooler heads may prevail. It is easy to say that you must call it out in the moment, but we here at AEC are fans of calling in, rather than calling out, so think about time and place. And make sure that you are not engaging in sexist language in speaking, even in a joking way and even in same-sex company. Modeling is a powerful tool and we have to be out there, doing our part.
-Amy