Recently, there was an Opinion piece in the New York Times in which a former employee talked about how the creation of a “family” culture in her job at Google made her feel like it was unsafe and unwise to report issues of harassment. This got me thinking a lot about the number of times that so many teachers this year have been exhorted to think of their schools like their family and to “do it for the kids.” Y’all, we’ve got to talk about why this metaphor is dysfunctional in schools and why continuing to use it leads to lots of terrible behaviors, including shaming, intimidation, and the creation of a culture of toxic positivity. 

The desire to compare your school to a family very likely comes from a good place. It is designed to create a sense of community and a culture of caring, both of which are needed in schools. This sounds great, in theory. But in practice, there are things that we do for our families that we should not do for our workplaces. There are sacrifices of time, money, energy, and other finite resources that we make for our families without question or thought, because that is what you do for your family. Schools benefit greatly from encouraging these kinds of sacrifices, especially from their teachers. Teachers provide materials, food, and other resources for their students because they are their “kids”. Schools capitalize on this by asking teachers to do things that are above and beyond, and in many cases deeply unfair, for the “good of the kids”. Teachers who try to stand up for themselves or the needs of their children are seen as turning against the family and engaging in negative behaviors. Worse, people who complain or bring concerns to their administration can often be described as turning on the family or putting their own interests before the needs of “their kids”. 

Organizations are not loyal. Your school is not your family. No matter how much you love your school (and we hope you love it), your schools should not ask you to make sacrifices of your mental or physical (or financial) health for them. And yet, often teachers are asked that. Additionally, the family metaphor contributes to a culture of toxic positivity in schools. What is toxic positivity, you may be asking? 

Toxic positivity is an obsessive focus on positive thinking and discourse. Toxic positivity isn’t just saying “look on the bright side”, but rather it is an insistence that anything that is perceived as being negative or critical is an enemy of the organization. In reality, forcing people to “look to the positive” doesn’t actually make them happier. Instead, it makes them feel like their emotions are not valued or heard or that they should feel shame for advocating for what they need for their mental or physical health. In reality, it is alright to not be alright all the time. It is normal and healthy. And insisting that your staff or students not express those feelings does not make the feelings go away. 

So how are the family metaphor in schools and toxic positivity related? When teachers are encouraged to “do it for the kids” and to minimize their own needs on behalf of the children’s needs and scolded or punished for bringing concerns forward, we see the dysfunctional intersection of these two issues. After all, you are willing to do anything for your family right? Why, then, if your school is your family, would you not be willing to do anything for them? And from these questions, we get to where we are now. Teachers and school personnel are asked to sacrifice their own family time, their money, their mental and physical health, for the good of the organization. And how do the organizations repay them for this? By telling them that they are doing it for the family and they shouldn’t complain. 

What do we do about this, you might ask? One important thing that you can do starting tomorrow is to stop insisting that people focus on the positive all the time. Let people experience their feelings and validate them when they express them to you. It isn’t for you to decide if those feelings are valid. This is especially true if you are an administrator and a member of your staff brings you a concern or complaint. It is not your job to make them believe something else. It is your job to listen. Does that mean that you have to become a receptacle for everyone’s complaints? Of course not. But it does mean that you cannot simply insist that people stop complaining and think positively. And, while we’re at it, let’s throw out some of those inspirational wooden signs too. Especially this year, let’s let people feel their feelings. You know, in the way that you would for your family.