Two weeks ago, I asked you to mull about times when you heard women described as “hysterical” or “overly emotional” and to examine the effect of those words on the person being labeled. Thank you to those who reached out with examples. This week, I bring you one of these examples.  Obviously, identifying details have been changed to protect the innocent – and the not so innocent.

Our vignette comes from an urban secondary school. A couple of weeks ago, a teacher – let’s call her Rebecca – volunteered to return a box of iPads for a colleague who had borrowed the iPads for a technology-assisted lesson and had to go home sick before they could return them.  Before Rebecca returned the iPads, she noticed that two of the screens had cracked. Ted, the technology teacher to whom she needed to return the iPads, had a reputation for being hard on female colleagues, so Rebecca was a little worried. However, she reasoned that if she were honest with Ted and explained that students had broken the iPads, he would likely understand that accidents happen.

But Ted was not at all understanding. In fact, Rebecca was horrified with the way that Ted spoke to her. He yelled at her about the iPads, even after she explained that she was sure a child broke the screen by accident and assured him that there was money in her department’s budget to repair the screens. Rebecca left without a resolution. That night, Rebecca couldn’t sleep. She remained concerned about the way Ted spoke to her and couldn’t believe that she didn’t stand up to him earlier that day. The next day, she decided to speak to the principal, Rick, about the incident. She had spoken to him on a previous occasion about another issue, but she figured that the two of them had a good relationship and he would be helpful. Best case scenario: Rick would address the behavior with Ted.

But Rick was not at all understanding. When Rebecca told him what had happened, he commented that it was unfortunate that Ted had been so brusque and that the “customer service” had been unsatisfactory. However, when Rebecca pointed out that this was a recurring problem with Ted, Rick lost interest in discussing it further. He told her that maybe she had misinterpreted Ted’s tone or that Ted was likely just preoccupied with the broken screens. He chided Rebecca that she shouldn’t be so emotional at work and that she shouldn’t let Ted’s tone make her “so upset”, when he clearly hadn’t meant anything. Rebecca left Rick’s office feeling worse than before. And no one addressed Ted’s tone, language, or behavior.

You may be thinking that Ted shouldn’t have reacted as he did or that Rebecca should have said something to Ted at the time of their conflict. But our concern here is Rick’s reaction.  When Rick disregarded Rebecca’s concerns and stated that she overreacted because she was too upset, Rick lost Rebecca’s trust and made her feel that her feedback wasn’t valued. Moreover, Rick told Rebecca that her feelings and beliefs weren’t valid. This is a perfect example of gaslighting.

What should Rebecca do next? And what effects does behavior like Rick’s have on administrator-teacher relationships, and the school climate more broadly? Leave your thoughts in the comments and stay tuned for the next installment. We’ll discuss what Rebecca, and anyone in this situation, might do to help things improve with Rick and, ultimately, with Ted.

- Amy